a big fat post-grad existential crisis™
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a big fat post-grad existential crisis™

February 28, 2020


Congratulations, you graduated! You did it! You’re free! Free from classes and studying and shitty dorm food. Free to travel and work and worry about paying the bills and
the crushing responsibility of complete control over your own decisions and happiness with no deadlines or milestones to look forward to until you get married or have kids or get divorced or die. Wait what ?! Yeah, it’s been two and a half months now since I’ve graduated. I know a lot of you guys are graduating soon
or just have Congratulations, by the way. Welcome to the fucking mess that is life after graduation. I mentioned this quite frequently I’ve kind of been going through and on and off existential crisis ever since I graduated. So, I thought today, I would just compile all of those thoughts and, I don’t know. Maybe you guys can relate I probably just like need a therapist but eh, putting your thoughts out to millions of strangers
on the Internet is just as good … right? Okay, number one thing that struck me right after I graduated is the complete lack of milestones. The thing that always keeps me going and keeps me working really hard is that milestone. Whether it’s graduation, whether it’s summer break There’s always something to look forward to. But once we graduate, what the fuck
are the milestones anymore ? You have marriage, buying a house, having kids dying? Call me a cynic, but I honestly think that is why so many people
rush to get married or have babies, even if it’s just because they want another thing to like celebrate and then they can measure their life
by their baby’s milestones. As you can tell, I would be a very nurturing
and kind mother. Like, a part of me just wishes that as an adult, every four years you could have like
another adult graduation I get a cap and a gown and a dumb
piece of paper that says “Congratulations, you made it four more years in your adult life !!! Good job !! ” I guess the main way that I get joy in my life is just working myself so hard that
I am proud that I am exhausted and tired and that’s like a big part of my identity But now that I’m not working towards a particular goal and just my entire foreseeable future
is me working my ass off It’s kind of .. it’s a little bit harder to stay motivated I’m gonna be completely honest The weirdest thing of having graduated is
having to shift your mindset from being goal-oriented , like Just wait until graduation, wait until this class is over , wait until somebody gives me an A or a gold star to actually enjoying your everyday life and like, being satisfied with yourself and
the things that you do every day which I’ve never been good at. By the way, I’m gonna come off
like incredibly privileged and annoying in this entire thing I know that having an existential crisis is a privilege because I’m not worried about like putting food
on the table And if I was, then I would not be thinking about the fucking purpose of life I’m gonna call this second section ” the wonderful crushing infinite possibility of life” Do you ever stop and think about the fact that adults are just like bumbling around the world? Nobody’s telling them what to do, where they have to be what job they have to take, what apartment
they have to live in Like anything, it is up to me. It’s weird !!! Part of me romanticizes like, what if I could
just be a 50s housewife? Nothing would be expected of me,
other than to look pretty to like to suburbgatory
(? sorry I coudn’t hear the word) Not to say that that work isn’t hard, but like back in the day My life would have been decided for me. And now the pressure is on me
to make the most of my life That’s terrifying but empowering at the same time Thing number three that
freaks me out about life is dating Okay Here is how I see dating you have a deck of cards Say, there’s, there’s ten cards and they all have a different number on them You don’t know how high the numbers could go they could go up to like 100 200 10 could be the highest number that you ever did this represents
how many people you’re gonna date in your life Although I think, statistically people have like two or three relationships before they get married Which is a scarily low number because I’m on relationship number three Okay, so you have this deck of cards / guys or gals they’re shuffled So you’ve no idea what order they’re gonna come up in as you jate throughout your life You just flip over one card at a time But before moving on to the rest of the cards you have to decide whether you’re gonna keep that card or let it go like at any given point a relationship is just a bet that this is good enough for me And this is as good as it’s gonna get arbitrarily, you have no idea you have no idea if there’s somebody better out there like part of me wishes that I could just boo-boo-boo flip over all the cards in my deck and know about what I have for the future But that’s not really how life works. I don’t know that’s probably a flawed mentality
because people aren’t numbers It depends on whether you grow together ,whether you really nurture that relationship or not but you guys get what I’m saying, right ? I guess rom-coms and Disney movies have taught me since I was really young that love is this grand fateful thing. But really, it’s just kind of swiping on a dating app on somebody I thought was cute and now seven months later we know each other really well and we’ve come to deal with all of each other’s bullshit and like each other for who we are so I guess that’s … I don’t know. Maybe that’s fucking love

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  1. we are all just a bunch of atoms sticking together eating atoms so what is the point of being a jerk like dude ur just atoms

  2. I'll admit I felt the same way about dating "what if there is something better out there?" But when you meet the one and date them, it's SO different. You know when it's right.

  3. I’m in high school right now and I remeber telling my friends the same thing and how in life were always working. Like we’re working now to graduate and then after we’re in uni and then you get a job and your still working and like we’re supposed to be happy then right but we’re just constantly working so when does the happiness kick in. And I remeber in careers my teacher would ask us to plan out a possible career we wanted to do and at the end of the assignment there was this question that was something along the lines of how do you know you reached your goal or when do you stop. And I was so surprised because I never thought of that. I never thought when is what Im doing enough for me and I feel like a lot of us get stuck in this cycle of working that we don’t take time to relax or when we do we feel horrible because we aren’t working. And I really wish our culture wasn’t work work work and maybe you’ll be happy. Idk just wanted to say my thoughts.

  4. Hi Ashley, I really like this video. I hope you can do more videos about things like this instead of how to look cute and superficial things like that. But I understand that you have to make money. Anyway, I hope your move to New York has been great so far!

  5. this is sooo relatable omgg i'm graduating in 2 months and i relate soo much🙃🙃 i once even thought about the dating parable too🤣

  6. please make a podcast about your thoughts because this is the kind of content everyone should be met with and be encouraged to think about, or maybe that's just the film major in us hahaha

  7. I found this a really interesting video. I love hearing about how people perceive living 🙂 and reflecting on life with them (even if it's through a screen).

  8. Hey Ashley,

    Stumbled across your videos today and I think I'm in love with you lol. Thanks for posting neat shit that brightens up my mundane 9-5 life!

  9. Ashley, PUH-LEEASE listen to the Beat Your Genes podcast, which will give you a really eye-opening perspective on the "guys as a deck of cards with numbers" thing. www.beatyourgenes.org . Please. Really. And me us know what you think.

  10. OMG same with the deck of cards, lately I had those same thoughts only you put it very nicely into visuals, buuuut I guess if you love someone, who cares if someone 'better' is out there.

  11. You have just described all of my major worries in 8 minutes and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders holy shit I'm not ALONE

  12. The craziest thing is that I feel totally the same, but in a totally different way, I have two children and I feel like I just don't exist day to day because I am just 'Mum', I have almost zero in person interactions and it can be overwhelming because I never get to wear what I want or do what I want. To hear someone else feels like this, even though it's in a different situation weirdly makes me feel better. Probably because I romanticise Ashley's life, wishing I had the freedom to express myself in fashion and the time to invest in my future, but now I realise the grass is always greener and I can change my future by investing in my own hopes and dreams. Thank you Ashley for putting your thoughts and feelings into the world of Youtube, you help so many people to come to terms with their own issues, and inspire many to take steps that alone they would have struggled to do. Speaking from experience!

  13. Hi just had this same crisis as my grad date approaches and this actually helped me a lot, oddly. Thank you. It’s really comforting to know that you aren’t alone with these thoughts

  14. i love to see how your mindset changed compared to then. i feel like you're way nicer to yourself by now and that's so nice to see 🙂

  15. somehow I think you'll be feeling satisfied to the campus life if learning more about liberal art and the associated things. And maybe with those things your college would seem more "worth it", maybe. jump into a specified ganre of knowledge without an exploring of things you don't even know if it's related, its kind of a pitty(for somone who seems willing to learn more things and capable of doing it).
    But the fee is expensive, though.
    just a suggestion from someone who enjoyed college life and wish had took more different classes that could help me build up the way to think and look at the world.

  16. 6:30 very relatable. any time i try explaining my life to others, they never seem to understand. might be because i grunt at them instead of talking.. if only i weren't black 😔😔

  17. Ashley, look into optimal stopping theory. your card metaphor is actually not accurate about dating and there is a systematic way to know when it's best to stop/ settle down. well, ish.

  18. also, if you love milestones so much, you probably should go to grad school and become a professor. you already know this silly youtube life is another opportunity to feel stagnant and hate your life in 3 years.

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